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The Top Ten Things I Totally, Completely, Absolutely Do Not Understand About the Male Species

10. The shorts under their pants thing.

9. And while were doing pants issues, lets tackle the boxer shorts above the pants thing. There are way too many guys who still think this is a cool and sexy thing to do. If you think I want to see the very top of your underwear, fine, thats your problem. But whats going through the heads of those guys who wear their pants a full foot below their boxers? First of all, how do they walk? It looks so ridiculously uncomfortable. And heres the other thing, and this might come as a shock to some of you. It looks stupid. I have never, ever met a girl that has said, Wow, look how fly ----- is with his sexy boxers pulled up all the way above his pants. I have, however, met many girls who have said something akin to, Oh, my god, look at -----. Does he think we want to see that? He looks so ridiculous! And I think his mother must still pick out his underwear for him! Overall? I suppose there are some girls who might find that kind of thing attractive. In my opinion, these are not the types of girls a guy should want to attract. So pull up your pants, pull down your shirts and try to find socks that match. Girls like guys who look clean and somewhat respectable. Go show the ghetto boxers thing to your homie friends, 'cause we dont want to see it.


8. And speaking of shirts, I shall now move on to my two shirt dilemmas. Ill start with the easier one. Why do guys only have, like, four shirts apiece? Is it that you own more but only like several of them? Or do you constantly stain and rip your shirts, rendering them useless? That cant be it, because I cant imagine a guy not wearing a shirt because it just happens to be stained, ripped, or covered in five years worth of dirt. So why does this four shirt thing happen? Girls: Ever wonder why when you picture a certain guy, your mental image is usually wearing a specific shirt? Its because he probably wears that shirt every other day. I think the alternating is actually just a formality; theyd probably wear the same shirt every single day if they could, but their mothers wont let them. Where does this recycling clothes idea come from?


7. The short sleeved shirt thing. Why is it that a guy will wear short sleeves regardless of the weather? Bright and sunny? Tee-shirt weather. Cold and rainy? Tee-shirt weather. Blizzard with little visibility, a 6 degree temperature, and a wind chill below zero? Tee-shirt and boots weather. How do you guys do that? Why dont you ever get cold?  Honestly, is it that you dont get cold or that youre too manly to admit youre cold? Do you think sweaters are dorky? Whats going on here? Why are you not freezing?


6. The sports equipment thing.  Who knows. I think it has something to do with manliness again. What is it about the basketball/volleyball/soccer ball that makes guys flock to it the way women flock to Macys on Super Sunday? It must be how aesthetically pleasing these pieces of sports equipment are. (snort.)


5. The oblivious thing. I think this one makes girls in general crazy. We have countless discussions in which someone says, But he has to know I like him. He just has to. And the rest of us shrug and say, Nah. Id like to think that maybe guys do notice and then just pretend they dont, for whatever reason. But while this might sometimes be the case, I have found that it usually isnt. I used to have a very subtle approach to guys back in middle school. The sort of glance at him across the room and then look away as soon as he looks at me approach. Didnt quite work. Why? Because guys are way too dense to realize that this means anything. Unfortunately, there are obvious risks to the hurling yourself at the guy approach, which sadly seems to be the only one that works. Andwell, I dont like hurling myself. Is it really necessary? Plus there aren't really any guys at this ENTIRE school that are even WORTH my time.


4. The Monkey see, Monkey do thing. Even you can't relate it to anything then don't say anything. But the point is this: Geesh.


3. The soccer thing. Why does every guy on the face of the earth have an old soccer jersey in his closet or elsewhere in his room? Sometimes theyre hanging among the rest of the shirts, but often theyre in a more prominent place, such as on the doorknob, or on the wall. What is it, a replacement for a poster? And do they WASH them before they nail them onto the wall/door? Why do guys feel it is important for everyone to know that when they were seven, they played in Little League? No, wait, thats baseball. Um, the soccer equivalent of Little League.  Why is soccer such a violent sport? Geez. Now, I can see how it might be easy to slip into the soccer decorations trap.  But I dont play soccer. No. Ok, I have no idea what I was actually talking about anymore, so Im moving on.


2. The Simpsons thing. As far as I can tell, every guy in the entire world watches it. If youre a guy reading this, and you do not watch The Simpsons, please notify me immediately, as you will be eliminating the worlds largest stereotype. I, personally, never got into that show.  I do know girls who watch and enjoy The Simpsons, but theyre just nothing in comparison to the plethora of guys who refuse to stay on the phone/computer/path of sanity when its on. I dont get it. Is there something about that show that appeals to a males primal instincts?  I guess the closest girls come to a universal show is Sex and the City, but the fact that its on HBO narrows its audience, so it doesnt quite cut it. The other show all guys watch seems to be Seinfeld.  But The Simpsons? Nah. (Note: the opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of the people running and maintaining this site, i.e. me. ;)


1. The weird greeting thing. Guys do one of two things when they run into each other. They immediately try to attack each other, or they try to be cool. For instance, Greg goes with the Yo, sup? approach to male bonding. Occasionally it becomes personalized: Hey, Richard, sup? Sometimes it even includes a gesture, such as the shoot-em finger positioning, with the gun aimed at his buddy, in this case, Richard. Why can't they just hug each other like girls do? hahahaha. But if you really cant do that, at least dont punch me. Cause thats not cool, yo.